Fat.

I'm fat. And that's ok! I think. I'm happy, and for the most part, I don't let it hold me back. There are some things that I don't do. I don't go to amusement parks because I'm scared I'll either get stuck in the rides or I won't fit. I don't go swimming because I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit. I don't dance because I feel disgusting when I jiggle. I don't go shopping too often because every once in a while I get sad that certain clothes won't fit me. 

And that's ok, because there are things that I like. I know that if a guy likes me, it's most likely for my personality. My friends all love me for my personality. I can still make a pretty good character actor, which are the best. I can eat a lot of food without people really being surprised. I have extra cushioning everywhere I go. I'm my own space heater.

Clearly, some of those aren't serious. Some of them are though, which is good. What really concerns me is, should I be proud? Or ashamed? I feel like I have to pick one, like there shouldn't be any other options. I'm happy in my own skin but at the same time, I sometimes disgust myself, and I just don't know how to deal with it. 

If I could control myself, I would try to find a weight that was neither fat nor skinny so maybe I could have a better idea, but I find it hard to get used to an exercise schedule...

But my main concern is what I'm told by society. I've got a very large group telling me I need to lose weight and become perfect. I have a smaller group telling me that I'm powerful, beautiful, and that I'm perfect just the way I am. The smallest group is the people who just really don't care. 

Now do you see what's so confusing? I want to lose weight because i want to feel pretty all the time, and there are health risks threatening my future. I don't want to lose weight because most days I'm comfortable in my own body. And somedays I just don't care.