Fat.

I'm fat. And that's ok! I think. I'm happy, and for the most part, I don't let it hold me back. There are some things that I don't do. I don't go to amusement parks because I'm scared I'll either get stuck in the rides or I won't fit. I don't go swimming because I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit. I don't dance because I feel disgusting when I jiggle. I don't go shopping too often because every once in a while I get sad that certain clothes won't fit me. 

And that's ok, because there are things that I like. I know that if a guy likes me, it's most likely for my personality. My friends all love me for my personality. I can still make a pretty good character actor, which are the best. I can eat a lot of food without people really being surprised. I have extra cushioning everywhere I go. I'm my own space heater.

Clearly, some of those aren't serious. Some of them are though, which is good. What really concerns me is, should I be proud? Or ashamed? I feel like I have to pick one, like there shouldn't be any other options. I'm happy in my own skin but at the same time, I sometimes disgust myself, and I just don't know how to deal with it. 

If I could control myself, I would try to find a weight that was neither fat nor skinny so maybe I could have a better idea, but I find it hard to get used to an exercise schedule...

But my main concern is what I'm told by society. I've got a very large group telling me I need to lose weight and become perfect. I have a smaller group telling me that I'm powerful, beautiful, and that I'm perfect just the way I am. The smallest group is the people who just really don't care. 

Now do you see what's so confusing? I want to lose weight because i want to feel pretty all the time, and there are health risks threatening my future. I don't want to lose weight because most days I'm comfortable in my own body. And somedays I just don't care. 

Rant

So, there really is no important content to this post. I just can't post a vlog because i'm at school and i'm not comfortable enough with public vloging. I also can't post on twitter or facebook because I think this is gonna be too long. Plus, I use tumblr mostly for pictures and nobody O know follows this blog so I figured it's pretty safe. This is basically a rant about nothing.

I don't even know where to start. I guess i can start with the fact that I just barely passed my english class with a C. That's good that I passed but the part that bugs me is that I barely passed. I don't get it. It pisses me off that the only reason I'm at school is because my mom wants me to be here. The only reason I have the job that I have now is because my mom wants me to have one. The only reason i'm trying to get my driver's license is because my mom wants me to have one. Yeah, i'm an adult but it sucks that I have to do what she wants me to do. A lot of parents pay for their kids's education. I understand that my parents don't have money to pay for a big university. That's completely understandable. What bugs me is that the only reason I didn't apply there anyway is because whenever I would mention it, the first thing my mom would say is, "we can't afford that." I KNOW!!! I wasn't asking her to pay for it. I could've applied for financial aid. Why didn't I? Because whenever she would say that, it would completely squash my dreams and I wouldn't want to even try. But I did my best to pick myself back up again. That was high school.

In the beginning of this semester, I came to see a counselor at my community college. It's what my parents could afford and what they wanted me to do. When my counselor mentioned financial aid, my mom said, "i keep telling her to do that." Making me look like I was stupid! I remember quite a few times trying to get her to get all the papers ready so I can fill it out and she was always the one to put it off for later. WTF!!!! Now it's the end of the semester, I'm making 8/hr at a part time job on campus and I'm going nowhere. I don't see how a freaking algebra class and getting my AA is gonna help me get an acting career started!!! I understand that I'm probably going nowhere and that nobody can really make a living off of my career choice. I don't need my own freaking mother to tell me that! Everyone else around me is telling me that! My mom is supposed to be the one to tell me I can. She recently decided to show me "tough love" but this isn't tough. It's just cruel. I understand the idea o a backup plan but telling me that Im not gonna make it isn't cool. It's basically telling me that I suck. I was good for a high schooler but now, having a passion for theatre as an adult is unacceptable. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I want to cry and scream and kick and throw a fit but I can't because I'm sitting in the cafeteria of my college, wasting time until I start my shift at work.

I sometimes consider changing my major but theatre is the only thing other than music that I enjoy and that I'm actually good at. I would hate to be one of those people who hates their job and always asks "what if?" I don't know what to do. I'm stuck just doing what my mom wants me to do. What do I do?

Graduated (unfinished)

Wow. The last time I blogged was the beginning of my junior year. Well, I'm now in my freshman year of college and I have gone through a lot.

My most notable experience that has happened these two years was my theatre life. I got very involve in theatre at my high school. My junior year, I got my first supporting role. I was away from chorus. I got to play one of cinderella's step sisters in best of both worlds. Not a big fan of the show but I loved the song that I got to sing with the girl who was playing the other step sister. For the spring musical, I was put back in chorus but that's ok because the chorus were an incredibly huge part of Once on this Island.

My senior year, I was make up head for our fall show. I learned soooo much. It was also my first audition where I didn't get a part but I expected that. I was mostly auditioning for the experience. Then we did Aristocats and I got a minor part. Kind of one of the "heads" of chorus I suppose. It was super fun because I had time backstage to get to know the noobs. I didn't realize that I would be leaving them that year when I grew an emotional attachment to them.

The spring musical my senior year was Legally Blonde The Musical. At first I was thinking, "this is gonna be so annoying" but luckily for me, I got to watch the entire thing on YouTube and I fell in love with it!!! The one character that I couldn't pull away from was Paulette. Her name is properly spelled "Paulet" in the script but I always spell it Paulette. I instantly fell in love with her colorful personality and how self empowering she is.

Freedom of Speech

Freedom Of Speech Pisses Me Off

People make too big of a deal.

Some people say some very horrible things like "soldiers deserve to die" and claim freedom of speech.

Others claim that a joke can so unbelievably offensive and scarring that they sue with charges of sexual harassment.

I'm only at the beginning of my life and I know that it's stupid.

Don't say something you know can be offensive. Think first.

Don't overreact. You're ruining my future and the future of my generation's generations.

Grow Up.

Who owns my heart?

So, i was sitting in my business finance class and i was listening to my teacher lecture while logging on to the net. I was at yahoo about to check my email when i came across one of the headlines with a picture of miley cyrus's face. I quickly think, oh gosh, what did she do now. so i click on the link. I start to read the article but i get so bored that i click out and do some unfinished work until he gives us a new assignment.

I didn't think about it again until about 10 minutes ago when i was trying to find things to do. I thought, "well, maybe it is inappropriate" so i decided to take a look for myself. After it was done i couldn't believe it. People were making such a big deal out of nothing! She had done it all before. It pisses me off that people keep giving her the satisfaction of her thinking that she's such a rebel. It's what she want and unfortunately, it's not even clos to what your average high school, teenage girl does everyday. What Miley does is nothing compared to them. We all know that life in hollywood it crap and unbelieveably scandalous but for some odd reason parents who are just a bunch of prudes dont want to believe it. They were all 17 once, they know what it's like. They need to get their heads out of their butts and smell this foggy smoggy air we call "fresh" MILEY CYRUS IS A TEENAGE GIRL!

RBVHS

So, today was my last day of sophamore year in high school. And when the next year starts, we're given a new batch of fresh meat.

Now, every year, when the 8th graders are being "promoted", our principal gives a speech about how our school is hard working, social, and very welcoming. Now, although our

cheerleaders

and football players

are a bunch of kiss asses, pur school is nothing like that.

I remember my first day of high school. In the morning, i was so eager to get to school and experience a new world and make new friends. By 6th period, all i thought was "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!"

High school is the worst experience i've ever gone through and i'm so glad i can say it's half way over. The down side is, i have two more years to go. But, i guess it's a vital part of my teen years and has the most important rights of teenage passage such as pep rallys, prom, and even dating. Considering i have done none of those, i still have a long way to go. I just wish it could come without all the emotional damage.

omg!

long time, no blog. same goes for my social networking sites. except myspace and vampirefreaks. of course. my life is really boring. i dunno why i journal on here when i have a live journal but im gonna try to stick to a topic. a topic that almost every 15 year old girl is interested in.

Boys. they can really annoy me.

i was in history today and these boys named bob and bert (names have been changed) were talking about women and bert says to bob, "hey, did you fuck that fat chick?" and bob is like "eww, no. i heard she's easy." and bert is like "let's ask jhonny. they did go out for 2 years." and that's kinda where i stopped paying attention and try to do my work. somehow the topic turns to weed and bert is like "dude, that shit is so strong you could smell it 2 feet away even if it had 2 bags." and they start talking about how alcohol and bob is saying that he likes vodka and bert says "i cheated on my girlfriend with her best friend. yeah, we kept it a secret for like 3 months until i got so mad at my girlfriend that i told her i cheated on her with her best friend."

they can be such pigs. i think that's why girls my age go for older guys because they're more mature and much more respectful. i know some people think it's so gross but all guys my age talk about is sex, getting wasted, and music. i would like to talk about what's goinging on in the world sometimes. or even talk about whats going on in school. i'd like to talk about family and friends. not his past girlfriends that gave him a blow job because they were so wasted or just felt like it. but, unfortunately for me, i'm gonna have to wait till god sends him to me. i haven't found anything yet and im tired of looking.